Thursday, February 6, 2014

Don't Look Back


by Stephie Goldfish

"We are all filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We were taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during our days and nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed." ~From her book, "Women Who Run With the Wolves", written by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

I packed up my bag, bundled up for the cold air outside, and while standing close to the door of Starbucks, fixing my scarf, headband, and gloves, I took a few deep breaths to prepare for my walk up to the library, which is only two blocks away.

As I exited the store, a black African-American man, whom we had seen here a few times, now, opened and held the door for me. He said, "I just saw your sister going to the library, is that where you're headed?"

And something stopped me to stay a few moments longer to talk with him. I asked him his name (James), and I introduced myself and shook his hand. He mentioned he wanted to play his games on his computer.

And something about the innocence of that struck my heart. He rides his bicycle here to get free wi-fi and be in company with others, and today it's a slushy and rainy and overcast day.

After my many years of working on computers, the computer game apps have never interested me. It seems so isolating, like when my mother plays solitaire with her deck of cards. My mom also loves to play solitaire on the computer.

But I could sense that these new computer games have possibly opened up a new life for some, like James, who may have never worked on a computer, not because they never wanted to, but, like my older sister and my older brother, now deceased, they never got the opportunity to learn computers, and it wasn't until the last year of my brother's life that he took an interest in video syncing songs from his CD collection with video graphic imagery into YouTube music videos.

I often wonder if my brother had had our schooling and training would he have been more successful in his life.

And I saw how something about these computer games intrigued James, letting him feel like he's in the world, as we know it.

James and I said our quick goodbyes, and I made the trek up to the library. Although it is only two blocks away, there is a slight incline up to the library, and I stop about four to five times to catch my breath.

I was on a mission, though, and I was excited to get started on the Vision Quest material and videos for a course I am going through at SouLodge 2014. I also wanted to see if the library might have this one book I've been wanting to read from the suggested reading list, "Women Who Run With The Wolves", written by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

Something these days has made me feel like I've been running with the wolves, all along, wild and free, but on a quest. And although I do have a hard time keeping up with "the pack", I feel, in a lot of ways, I've been leading the way, too.

So, right before I enter the library, I stop one more time, and calm my breathing down, and, without hesitating or looking back, I enter.

I walk up to the help desk and ask the young librarian if they have the book, and, to my glee, they do. I take the elevator up to the second level where the book is located, and just as I was passing the rows of shelved books, one title of a book jumped out at me, caught my attention: Don't Look Back.

The admonition was all I needed. It was an OK from Spirit or God or a sign that said, This IS the way in which to walk. Or run. And don't stop.

And this epiphany, at that moment, was all I needed to propel me in my direction, to flame the desire in me to keep going, without fear, and to not look back.

I am enthralled in the book, so far, even though it's a little intimidating. And I wonder why it has taken until now for its wisdom to come into my life.

It was written or published in May 1992.

May 1992 is when I feel I was called to a higher way of being or called to an elevated enlightenment. Even though it was a very scary experience in some ways, it was the closest I'd ever come to the realization of my Hubris, my reality of "whether I survive into old age with my serious congenital heart and lung disease I still can't escape death", at least not on this side of life.

I've come close to death a few times in my life, a few months after I was born in 1965, then in 1988 having two ectopic pregnancies four months apart, then in the Spring of 1992, I feel I died, in a way, but was renewed in spirit.

And this happened again in 1996. It scared me a little, but I received a message at that time from a higher source, from God, Spirit, Mother Earth, to seal up the words or keep what I had knowledge about secret until the appointed time to make it known, until the time was fertile enough for it to be heard.

So, now, I feel I have been given the green light, the OK, the approval, a nod to shoot like an arrow in the direction I'm supposed to go. Yes to being a lightbringer, and to stop worrying about the past, what's left behind.

And the voice keeps saying, "Don't Look Back in regret, Don't Look Back to what was, what would have been."

I am going to look ahead to the beautiful future I want for myself in whatever time or space I'm here on this earth for, and bring my light to those I meet and come in contact with because I want their future to be as beautiful as I envision for myself.

And, scary as it seems, I won't look back, except every once in a while, to glance at my four-footed shadow running close behind me, encouraging me to stay the course, acknowledging the wild woman I am, running with the wolves.